The Worst Best Ever.

Today Harry is five weeks old.  He's lying across my lap on a pillow, sleeping for the moment.  How are things going for us?  I'm not sure.  Things right now are such a heavy mix of awesome and worry. 

The awesomes are many.

New babies smell like heaven.  I am a "smells" person.  My favorite smells are bread, cookies, Toby, my kids, leaves, grass, rain, citrus, wintergreen, and cardamom.  New baby smell is better than all of those.  It doesn't matter if the kid is freshly washed or a little grungy, it's all good.  Be warned, I sniff babies.  I hope that's not a creepy thing to admit.

Harry's little frog-shaped naked body is the cutest thing ever.  He's got a double-chin, a little hollow sternum, and a round pot belly.  His wee baby legs are beginning to chub a bit at the thighs, but the calves still look like curved little chicken bones.  Perfectly round little knobby heels remind me of how hard he'd kick me when I was still pregnant.  There is no shape more perfect than a new baby's head. 

He just started smiling on purpose yesterday.  I love when a new baby makes the transition from blank and perplexed stares to an actual affectionate expression. Sometimes when he's eating, he will gaze intently into my eyes, and I feel like he's probably having some kind of spiritual experience.

It's interesting watching the rest of the family make room for a new baby.  The older kids hold him quite willingly most of the time, and the younger kids ask to.  Cora and Loch and Ivy mostly don't slow down long enough to hold on for more than a minute, but I'm happy that they want to.  I adore watching my husband's big hands wrap around a teeny little baby.  It's just so cute.

 But then there are the worries.

Is he getting enough to eat? I always fret that the baby isn't gaining enough weight.  My kids always want to sleep as soon as they latch on, then try again in fifteen minutes or so.  That would be great if all I needed to do was sit and lactate.  We had some difficulties at the beginning, but I think we're a feeding/eating team now.  Harry is chunking out and he pees through his diaper and clothing and blanket every day or two.  It's a lot of laundry, but I am so happy that he has pee to spare.

Will I get to do something I want for five minutes ever again?  I know in my head that I have seven kids and a full-time job and one of those kids is a new baby.  It makes me feel whiny, but there we are.  I'm trying, and I know I can't do everything.  But sometimes it feels a lot like drowning in "need to dos." 

Are the older kids being neglected?  We've revamped our work schedule to ensure that Cora and Loch have more parent-hands-on time each day than they've been getting.  I don't know how much it's helping them, but I can concentrate on work better when I know they're doing something beside watch TV, arguing over the tablet, or crying for us all day.  I'm trying extra hard to spend time with the kids instead of on the internet and blogging...

Am I going crazy? Yeah, a little.  I hope it's only a some, and only for a while.  I have a hard time not crying whenever I think about...almost anything.  I may be a "sniffer"  (see above), but I am not a crier at all.  I am way more comfortable with withdrawal or anger, which is sad on it's own, I know.  What's even scarier is when I'm not sad or angry or anything.  Sometimes I just feel blank, or maybe fuzzy. 

I get so tired of advice.  I know people mean well when they tell me that this is the best time of my life, and I will miss it so much later.  I know I will.  But I won't miss all of it.  Sometimes I feel like I'm missing it right now, losing the amazing and precious because I can't focus on them through the crap.  And then I feel bad about that, too.